reflection.

I wrote this a while ago after a series of heartbreaks. I was trying to understand and make sense of what love is within myself and from a partner. This is straight from the notes app on my iPhone. I didn’t want to edit my words because this is what made sense in my head at the time.

This was written on the 5th November 2019.

I have this habit of reflecting on who I was this time last year compared to the year before and now. 

2 years ago, I went through depression which may come as a surprise to some especially because I tried to keep a strong face at all times. I was heartbroken, mentally and physically drained. I had no idea how I would get my life back. I didn’t want to be the person people knew me to be. So I created this....

This is an open letter to whom it may concern. 

To the first, 

You manipulated me and made me think it was love. You were the first man to break my heart. The first to make me question my worth. I used to hate you, I used to want to ruin your name.

I realised you weren’t worth the breath.

To the second,

You made me fall in “love” with you. When we met again, I was trying to become a better person. I became addicted and obsessed. They said I had so much more to lose than you did. We broke apart the first time not because wanted to but we had to. 

Well, maybe you wanted to. 

I lost a lot that weekend. We entered a new year, I deleted your number. It was hard but I was fine for a little while. I was doing really well and thought I can actually do this. Then you messaged me and I fell again. Maybe I never was that strong. We became obsessed and addicted. You had a drinking problem, you would lie, you wanted to be with me but at the same time, you didn’t. I was always sure and almost risked everything. For what? 

For nothing.  We broke up because we had to, not because we wanted to. You told me to always remember you. Didn’t think I would remember the things you said? One year later and I’m over you and I’m fine. I’m happy. 

But nothing from you. Not one word. 

God helped me through.

When I was with you I almost failed uni. 

When I wasn’t with you, I had my best year ever. Look at me now. 

I made it. I’m who I always wanted to be. I never needed you. It wasn’t real love. You know it wasn’t. 

God told me so.

You brought out my darkest side and that was your favourite. You text me recently & it messed with my head. Not because I still loved you but because this is the first time you spoke to me in 2 years. I don’t want your congrats. I don’t need you now that I’ve made it. All you ever wanted was darkness but now all I do is shine. 

To the one, true and only love,

Because of you, I found true love & it made me realise why all those other “loves” didn’t last. They were lust.

GOD thank you. For now, I love myself and I know how to truly love. I found “the love that made all those other loves irrelevant”*. 

It’s time to write a letter to the one who fills my heart with joy & to the one I will love forever. 

Yours sincerely,

Me (Gods child) 

*Quote by Rupi Kaur from Milk and Honey